Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Motherhood: Is it Really the Death of all That is Me?


    I have often wondered since becoming a mother who am I now? Is a mother all I am? Did I completely forfeit my identity when my son slide down the birth canal? Sometimes I think I did, other days I can actually find myself under the laundry, dishes, and dirty diapers. I love my children, and honestly don't know where I would be without them. With them though I honestly don't know who I am sometimes. I know I like to read and listen to music,but I don't know if I can have a conversation without mentioning my kids. When I have free time  I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Perfect example: recently my friend and I had a few errands to run at the mall. Our significant others were watching the kids so we decided to go out for a drink when we were done at the mall. So as we are walking to the car we are trying to figure out which bar to go to. It was then that we both realized that we had no idea where to go!! I actually had to call my brother(2 years younger and no kids!) to find a good bar! To me this is kinda sad. To realize that I am so defined by my children, husband, and home that I no longer know how to have a good time! I cherish my children but I am starting to feel that I need to make more of an effort being just me.It is very hard for me to do this a lot of the time.  When my children leave, which won't be for awhile, what am I going to do with myself? I have only been a mother for 9 years. If I have so completely lost myself already I am gonna be a mess when I am done raising them. How do I just be myself without being a wife, mother, and homemaker? Maybe I will just become a cat lady!!


   It's really sad when I think of this topic, I do love my children and all the joy that they bring to my life, but sometimes I feel like they killed "Jamie".  I look back to me pre-children and remember actually having a style and clothes that fit.  Now I'm between pre-pregnancy and pregnancy clothes.  Half the time I'm in work out clothing.  It's sad really that I actually wear maternity tops and think they look good.  I used to take time for myself and get ready in the morning.  Now I'm lucky if i can brush my hair and teeth before noon.  I miss having time for me. Sometimes I will call my mom to vent about not having any time to myself and she tells me that I can get time when my kids are grown.  I find that to be truly unfair, and I know life is unfair but it's not right that I give and give and give and none of it goes to me.  I feel lost and am trying now to take a few extra moments to myself in the morning to do my make up, and brush my hair.  I'm suprised at how much better my mood is when I do this.  It took almost 4 years for this realization to hit me, "you mean to tell me that my name isn't mama, that I have another identity?"  For so long now I barely even looked in the mirror and went a couple days without showering and didn't even realize it!  Thats when I realized that I needed some serious nuturing, from myself.  I don't want to have that empty nest feeling when my kids leave and wonder who I am and what I like to do.  So I'm working on that now and hopefully in a few years I'll have a pretty good idea of who I am.

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful, thought provoking entry! Jenn, your symbolism in describing your kids' entry into your life, and the way you describe your life is spot on. Well done!